I Needn't Ponder Your Sexiness
by Twist
Summary: *CHAPTER 4 POSTED* A romance involving wizards, Ponder, and a couple Vetinaris. Be very, very afraid.
1. Capitulo Uno

I Needn't Ponder Your Sexiness By: Twist  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Absolutely nothing. Not even Reyna. So don't go after me.  
  
Reyna Vetinari had been born in Überwald, a far off country with dangerous political games being played amongst the leading figures. She had been raised in Ankh-Morpork, a city with dangerous fireworks in the Palace designed by the Patrician in the gaps of his game of political monopoly. He was also her father, which meant at times he'd lose to her in regular Monopoly.*  
  
However, she was sixteen now, and had recently received a job. That's basically a nice way of saying: 'Daddy made me do it.' She delivered pizzas, which she found highly un-noble. After all, she was the ruler's daughter. Getting covered in grease, attacked by small dogs, and dealing with other Morporkian teenagers** trying to substitute other services for payments didn't seem like a very noble beginning to her career. Currently, she was holding a greasy pizza box and standing outside the High Energy Magic building in the pouring rain.  
  
She pounded on the door again. "Klatchian take-out," she yelled trying to make herself heard over the thunder. "PIZZA!"  
  
This got a better response. A thin wizard in low-quality red robes opened the door. He gave her a look that made sure she wasn't carrying anything dangerous or had tentacles and then spoke. "Ah, you'll want to see Ponder and Adrian with that." He pointed inside. "Watch the wizards."  
  
"Thank you," Reyna replied shortly, stepping inside. The HEM building was packed with all sorts of wizards. This was unusual; they were normally in the dining hall. "Which one is Ponder or Adrian?" she asked, after surveying the sea of pointy hats and colourful fabrics.  
  
"He behind Hex. The great big glass thing over there," he added, seeing the look on her face. Reyna nodded and proceeded through the mass. Once in the small clearing that the wizards had left, she tapped one with a rather sad-looking black hat on the shoulder. He turned around.  
  
Reyna called upon all of her calmest energies to keep her heart from exploding. The gorgeous, black-haired, bespectacled young man that turned around was the Sex God that had been dancing through her dreams since she was fourteen. Two years and she'd never seen him before, yet she'd know he existed.  
  
"May I help you?" He asked. Reyna struggled to snap herself out of her wild fantasies.  
  
"Um - er - the, uh, the flat round thing you wanted, uh, sent a pigeon, um . . ." she managed to stutter out.  
  
"The pizza?" he asked, trying not to look worried. He always knew take-out places didn't employ bright people, but this . . .  
  
"Yes! Yes, a pizza. You ordered it." She said, hoping he'd say something else. That voice was just so sexy.  
  
"You'll want to go to the back for that," he said, eyeing her up and down. Then he turned around and began to tap away on a board with letters on. The letters duplicated on the glass in front of him. Magic. Her heart fluttered again. He turned back around. "Yes?"  
  
"Oh! Yes, sorry. I'll just . . . the back . . . yes . . ." She pointed to the back of the HEM building and smiled nervously. He nodded and turned back around. Reyna sidled along.  
  
After she had seen the now soggy pizza off into the hand of wizards and collected her pay, she's wandered back to the shelter of the Klatchian Take Away. She checked out the windows in the Palace as she'd passed; the activity was normal for five O'clock in the evening. As she walked along she'd recalled her lover's face and his name "Ponder . . ."  
  
It was eleven O'clock when Reyna got back to the Palace. It had been a very busy night; people hadn't wanted t go out because of the rain. There were some things that even Ankh-Morporkians were put off by. Of course, they didn't expect the pizza service to be put off.  
  
She had mud all down her front due to tripping in Welcome Soap and landing in something she preferred to think of as 'mud.' This had earned some wisecrack comment out of Drumknott, but she'd thrown a handful of 'mud' at him and that had shut him up relatively quickly.  
  
But all was tight with the world. She knew her Sex God was alive and where he was located at. She's also made some rather good money off of tips.  
  
As she passed the Oblong Office on the way to her room, she debated whether or not to lean in and speak to her father. He'd still be working at this hour. Fireworks very rarely were built/set off before one in the morning, special occasions such as sushi exempt.  
  
Funny weakness to have, sushi. But you never knew with Havelock. Reyna giggled. She was very thankful her parents hadn't smoked anything before naming her. She could've ended up as unfortunately as her father or even worse; Aunt Shalingling. Reyna still couldn't say it with a straight face.  
  
After she'd readied herself for bed and flopped on top of the unattractive green covers (It was too hot to bother with them) she drifted off into a sleep full of dancing Ponders.  
  
*While Monopoly may or may not exist on the Discworld, I was disturbingly reminded of his Lordship while I was playing my uncle last week. That's why that bit's there.  
  
**Mainly boys  
  
TBC . . . ? A/n: I could just leave it there, couldn't I? I'll continue should the urge strike me. *evil grin* 


	2. Capitulo Dos

Chapter Dos Twist  
  
A/n: Hehe, well don't we feel special on this 'un? I actually continued it. I didn't have to, oh no, but I did. And I'm on vacation, too. Just because I love you all so much.Feeling guilty now? Good. Onwards.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to the wonderful Terry Pratchett (oooh, thunder outside. Sorry, that was irrelevant) , who tolerates fanfic if we don't pretend to be him. I am not you, sir. Very good. And I'm sorry, in the last chapter I said Reyna did not belong to me. Well, she does. But, the last name Vetinari belongs to Terry Pratchett. Clear? Roger that, we are ready for liftoff.  
  
~  
  
The day tried to dawn in Ankh-Morpork. The sun meandered its way over the horizon and the light followed reluctantly like one of those children with leashes on. Eventually, it poked into the Oblong Office. Lord Vetinari stole a glance out of the window at his glorious, disgusting, mud-encrusted city. And he listened at the alarmed shout as his daughter fell out of bed.  
  
"Bloody hell!" There were several frantic crashes as the war with the bedsheets began and silence when one of the parties involved won. It was unsure at this point.  
  
~  
  
Reyna was not a happy person. It was only 7:00 in the morning and she was awake. Normally this was terrible enough, and being tangled in bedsheets and smelling of the Ankh's unique breed of mud did not help. She tried again to free herself of the linen, and this time managed to free herself of it's murderous grasp. Well, not murderous. But it made a good sentence.  
  
She flopped back onto the bed, now free of it's sheets, and made an attempt to sleep. The light that was just now reaching the back wall of the room was too bright. So she gave up, and headed for the bathroom.  
  
She couldn't quite remember why she had been so happy last night that she hadn't bothered to clean up. Certainly if she had been her normal self she would have jumped in the bath as soon as she got home. And then, as she stuck her head under the water, she remembered.  
  
"Ponder!"  
  
*  
  
The wizards of the Unseen University had had an unusually good night last night. The Project had been coming along nicely and there seemed to be a small civilization of fish flourishing in one of the oceans. And, so far, the little round planet had not turned into a snowball or been struck by a rock. Yes, it seemed as thought this one might work.  
  
Which was why the only thing monitoring the Project right now was Hex and, to an extent, the Bursar. The rest of the wizards were at breakfast. The students were all asleep on the floor.  
  
And Hex was trying to understand something. Amidst the crawling ants and swimming fish and other such things, Hex was thinking about what the Roundworld residents called 'love.' There was a lot of it, and people on the Roundworld seemed to enjoy making more. But, as far as Hex could tell, there was no element involved. No scientific make-up of such thing. And that was the stumbling block.  
  
And Hex had noticed it once here, as well. Last night, that pizza delivery girl had been experiencing the thing called 'love.' So it was not strictly limited to the Roundworld. Perhaps it was contagious, or dangerous. Deep in thought, a quill scratched across a piece of paper.  
  
++What is love?++  
  
"Say hello to Mr. Spoonie!" Came the Bursar's reply, as he played with an abandoned piece of cutlery. And so Hex was left to explore to world of romance alone.  
  
~  
  
Reyna decided it might be nice to let her father know she was alive before she left for the day. He probably was aware, but she had a thought that it was healthy for parents and children to exchange at least a few words a week.  
  
"Good morning, my parent, and I am alive," Reyna said, sticking her head through the door to his office and attempting t close it before he could say anything. No such luck.  
  
"Your mother sent this for you," he replied, sliding a piece of paper across the desk. He hadn't looked up yet. "And before you start anything I didn't read it."  
  
"Thank you," she said shortly, snatching off of the polished surface. " Aren't you going to make sure I'm healty and not horribly deformed?"  
  
He glanced up. "I'm glad to see you survived your encounter with the sheets."  
  
"Dad!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Reyna read through the clacks quickly and sniffed indignantly. "It's as if she doesn't trust me. Like I wouldn't keep up with my schoolwork." Her father snorted. "And she hasn't said anything about you, by the way, so you have no reason to need to read it."  
  
"I wasn't going to. It's your thingy."  
  
"Thingy?" She gave her father a curious glance before she asked him the question that had been irking her all morning. "Do you know a wizard named Ponder?"  
  
"Ponder?" he seemed to think. "Oh, yes, Stibbons. Yes, he was the one who put the people on the moon. Yes, I know Stibbons. Why?"  
  
"Nothing whatsoever," Reyna replied quickly. She wouldn't get away with it for long, perhaps about a week before he father pried it out of her but that was good enough until she figured out a way to say 'I'm madly in love with him' to her father. " I'll be back tonight sometime, don't worry about me, I'm gone like the wind. Whoosh." She ran out of the room. The Patrician merely shook his head and wondered where she'd gotten it from.  
  
~  
  
Ponder looked curiously at the sheet Hex had printed out earlier. There was a great deal of things on it, chemical compositions and such. But then there were these things that seemed to make no sense.  
  
++Chocolate is love?++ Or,  
  
++Eating chocolate is required when falling in love.++  
  
And then there was the oddest yet:  
  
++Oysters = Love++  
  
While it was semi-obvious to Ponder what was going on here, he was more fascinated by what had driven Hex to contemplate love. So there must be something else. Hex was a machine built to calculate complex mathematical equations and derive patterns from chaos. It was also useful in spell-casting and creation. Love did not come into anything anywhere. He shrugged and laid the paper aside, turning to look at the Project. The fish were still there.  
  
TBC, Maybe  
  
A/n: And there you have chapter two. Here is a warning for those of you who really enjoy this story: I am doing it on a whim and it may not get very far. It may be filed away into the Unfinished archives. Maybe not. I do not have a real ending in sight but there is a hint of a *gasp* plot. So we'll see, huh? Until next time, enjoy yourselves. 


	3. Capitulo Tres

Capitulo Tres  
  
By: Twist  
  
A/n: Cor, I've stepped in it now. One of my friends who I see every day read this thing and is going to kill me if it isn't finished. Well, maybe now kill me, but you know. She'll get annoying, and I know her. I sit in front of her in Cultures. *grin*  
  
Meanwhile, school has started! So now I have so little of this precious thing, what's it called?, spare time? Yeah, that. What with homework, the pressures of High School *rolls eyes* and horses (Quentin on Saturday! AH!) things will be very slow indeed. Don't count on the quick updates of the summer (what quick updates? Huh?) but I will be home more. *giggle* So we'll see how it pans out. It all really depends on how nice my teachers really are.  
  
Disclaimer: The wonderful Mr. Terry Pratchett owns everything Discworld. I own Reyna. She's mine! The concept of Vimes's child belongs to Mr. Pratchett, but I think I own the name Kerri for her.  
  
~  
  
Reyna crossed Brass Bridge onto Lower Broadway with the intent of walking all the way to the Ramkin House. Even though it was technically the Vimes House, everyone still thought of it as the Ramkin House. One thing she hadn't intended was to almost walk into Kerri Vimes, daughter of Sybil and Samuel Vimes and Reyna's best friend, in the middle of Psuedopolis Yard.  
  
Reyna and Kerri's fathers were in Vetinari's office at least once a week, and having one of their famous arguments just as often. It had really only been a matter of time before a solid friendship was forged between the two girls. This had annoyed both of the fathers to some extent but really they were both grateful their offspring had someone to spend time with rather than wreaking havoc in both the Watch House and the Palace. It was much easier when they destroyed places one at a time.  
  
"Kerri! Hello! Is anyone home?" Reyna chased after her friend and punched her on the shoulder. She knew the look her friend had been wearing, as her father got the same look often. It was the look where she was paying absolutely all of her attention to some other time.  
  
"What do you - " she turned. "Oh, hello, my friend. Are you perchance doing anything?"  
  
"Looking for you. I'm bored as hell. And I have a lot to tell you. I might even show you if you're nice to me today." Reyna grinned. "I found the Find of the Month, my friend."  
  
"Did you?" Kerri too was grinning. "This had better not be a hoax like that guy you found last month. I mean, seriously, he was older than any of our parents! Gods!" She chuckled, remembering the old man who Reyna had claimed was 'extremely cute.'  
  
"I did not mean cute in 'Find of the Month,' way! More like, an old, nice person cute." Reyna glared. "Anyway, we're going the wrong way, this is toward the Palace."  
  
"I know," Kerri said confidently. "We should run background checks on this guy before we go anywhere. He could be dangerous."  
  
"I cleared it with my dad this morning; he's fine. Come on!" Reyna snapped, anxious to see her Sex God once more.  
  
"I also have to ask your parental unit for something," Kerri said, pushing Reyna as they tended to do. They'd always start out playing with dolls when they were little, it had just always turned into Policemen Who Could Beat Your Dad Up v. Politicians What Are Smarter Than Your Dad. They seemed to hit and push each other more than normal aristocratic girls. Also, they both had a strange tendency to wear trousers. Most of the old ladies didn't approve but no one else really cared. In fact, it had rather caught on.  
  
"What do want from him now? And what if he's in a meeting?" Reyna asked, exasperated. Kerri was always taking things from her father. She had no idea why.  
  
"Fireworks." Reyna clapped her hand over Kerri's mouth. "No one else knows about that! Wait until we're in an abandoned hall or something, for gods' sake!"  
  
"Mmmf," Kerri said. Reyna released her hand from her friend's face. "Sorry, like anyone was listening. Anyway, it's not for anything big or anything. Just little stuff."  
  
"Like what?" Reyna asked suspiciously.  
  
"Well . . . You know how you can arrange the things so they spell things?" She looked at Reyna's face. "Honestly, I thought at least you would get it." She sighed, "Dibbler did it just outside of town last month, remember? Your dad nearly had a fit. We were in your room?" She watched Reyna's face for any sign of memories. "With Harvey? Oh, honestly! It was when we were planning to stick Drumknott's hand in a bowl of warm water while he was asleep to see if that thing Nobby told us was true."  
  
Reyna's face broke into a grin. "Oh yes . . . I remember. And he really did wet himself." She sighed. "Good times. Good times."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm sure there's more where that came from, knowing Nobby. But we need to do this first. Then we can continue to torture Drummy." They had reached the Oblong Office by now. Kerri pressed her ear against the door. "There's someone in there," she said. "Sounds like . . . oh, bugger."  
  
"Who is it?" Reyna asked. She prepared to flee.  
  
"My dad."  
  
"Oh, good. You still owe me from the last time we bet on them, you know," Reyna pointed out. "I did win. Twenty dollars, any day now." There was sudden silence from inside the Office. Both girls froze. "You don't think they heard us, do you?"  
  
"No, we were being quiet," Kerri hissed. "Well, I was anyway. And I'm in trouble already."  
  
"What'd you do this time?"  
  
"I replaced the sugar in the canteen at the watch House with salt. Millie yelled at me and told my dad. Twisting the story the whole way, obviously." Both girls winced. Millie Groff was the most feared canteen lady in the whole of Ankh-Morpork. Or in the whole Watch House, anyway. "I'm grounded from speaking to Corporal Nobbs or Constable Ping for a week."  
  
"Why Ping?" Reyna queried. "What did that guy ever do in his life that put one toe out of line? He was one of the volunteers, wasn't he?"  
  
"I know," Kerri sighed. "But he gave me the idea." Reyna stared, a small grin forming on her lips. "I know, I know; it's unbelievable. But hey, when was the last time I lied to you?"  
  
"I honestly do not know, Kerri. You are such an honest person."  
  
"Reyna?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Is it safe to move from behind the statue? The sword keeps poking me."  
  
"Alright," Reyna said. "We'll go and see Leonard. He'll have fireworks. And he's nice. Follow, my companion."  
  
"Lead the way, oh fearless one. And you can talk to Leonard. He scares me."  
  
"Leonard scares you?" Reyna snorted. "Yes, he's positively terrifying. He makes your dad look like a teddy bear." Kerri did not respond. And so, they went to see the positively horrific Leonard of Quirm. 


	4. Capitulo Cuatro

Capitulo Cuatro  
  
By: Twist  
  
A/n: I'm in a very appropriate mood for this chapter right now. I'd been happily munching away on strawberries and V8Splash and lo, I got a scary mental image. Yes, I did. Picture Lord Vetinari signing 'Feel Like a Woman' in a suit. Hula skirt optional. *evil grin* And dancing, if you really want to. And that, ladies and gents, may explain this next chapter.  
  
Also, I do realize it's a bit disjointed at the end, and the reason is that I left this chapter sit for quite a while and came back realizing 'Dear Lord, I need, like, two more paragraphs.' So I finished it, and edited, but still think it sounds wrong. 'Teva.  
  
Disclaimer: All recognizable Discworld characters belong to Terry Pratchett. Twist does not know him. Reyna and Kerri belong to Twist, and 'Feel Like a Woman' belongs to Shania (sp?) Twain. Twist also owns her dog, which will not get out of her lap.  
  
~  
  
Lord Vetinari and Commander Vimes stood in absolute silence. Their daughters were listening outside the door, most likely betting, and it had become parental reaction #5 to remain completely silent when this occurred. The previous four parental reactions were something like: Thou shalt open any locked door that thy spawn is behind; Thou shalt know where thy spawn is at all times; Thou shalt discipline thy spawn when such action is required; and Thou shalt not let thy spawn be mysterious. Pretty standard, considering.  
  
"They've gone," Vimes said, after a minute or so. "Where were we?"  
  
"You were berating me for something, Sir Samuel," Lord Vetinari said coolly.  
  
"Right," Vimes said, resuming his fixed gaze on the wall. "You are bloody well not going to send me anywhere again . . ."  
  
~  
  
"Look out, girls!" came Leonard's cry, as Reyna and Keri stepped through the door. They ducked, and a small metal object zoomed over their heads. Kerri whimpered. "My, that didn't work quite as expected. How are you? Would either of you fancy a beverage? Please, have a seat," Leonard rambled happily.  
  
"What was it?" Reyna asked, bending over the small disc. "Looks odd, it does."  
  
"Well, I was thinking about the whole moving pictures ordeal and wondered if perhaps a different type of picture-thrower may solve the problem of giant tentacled monsters."  
  
"Ah," Kerri said weakly, her knees giving out close enough to a chair for it to look normal. Almost.  
  
"So, I wondered if I could put it in little ridges on the bottom of a disc, and then teach imps to read the little bumps very quickly, and paint pictures fast enough to throw them onto the screen. A Bumpy Picture- Throwing Disc."  
  
"I take it the machine is the problem?" Reyna asked, handling the disc.  
  
"Yes, it can't get enough spin and the imps are too stubborn." Several imps looked up from the workbench, terror in their eyes. Even imps had a sense of self-preservation. Being in any of Leonard's experiments was not good as far as the continuation of the species was concerned.  
  
"Meh," said Kerri. Reyna and Leonard gave her a glance, and went back to the conversation."  
  
"Is there anything you wanted?" Leonard queried. "That's usually why your father comes to see me."  
  
"Well," Reyna started, eyeing Kerri. "It was really something Kerri wanted, but she's terrified of you for reasons unknown."  
  
"Meh."  
  
Reyna sighed and looked at her comrade. "It's best not to ask, I suppose. Anyway, she was wondering if she could have some fireworks. Enough to spell something out."  
  
"I could easily devise an invention with a message in it - "  
  
"No, Leonard, thank you. I think fireworks are fine." Leonard and Reyna both looked at Kerri and silently agreed that an invention would not be a good thing for the girl's fragile mental health. Well, fragile when it came to anything involving Leonard of Quirm, anyway.  
  
Leonard nodded. "I'll give them to you father for safekeeping shall I?" Reyna shook her head furiously.  
  
"No, no, just have them sent to the Vimes property, please." Leonard nodded. "And I'm sorry, we really would like to stay for tea or something, but we have to go. Good luck with your discs," Reyna said, grabbing Kerri's arm and dragging her from the room.  
  
"Meh!" Kerri exclaimed, running toward the door. Leonard merely chuckled.  
  
~  
  
Once they were free of the secret passages, and Kerri had apparently calmed down, Reyna started filling her in on all of the details of the conversation that Kerri had apparently missed.  
  
"Good, good," Kerri said when she'd heard what had been discussed. "That's a good way for things to happen.  
  
Reyna gave her friend a strange look and shrugged, saying "You have to see this boy, now. He's absolutely gorgeous, my friend." Kerri nodded in agreement, when something happened that happens to everyone sometime in their life. Parental interference.  
  
"Just a moment of your time, girls," Lord Vetinari said silkily, stepping out of the Oblong Office and grabbing Reyna's shirt collar. "I believe you have to answer some questions first."  
  
"We have wall weasels!" Reyna exclaimed, and attempted to make a run for it. Vetinari planted his feet, stopping his daughter dead.  
  
"Come, my child," he said, turning and walking back into the Office. "This won't take five seconds if you would just cooperate."  
  
"Ack! My back! And my heart! I'm dying!" Kerri was exclaiming in the passage, while Commander Vimes watched with a semi-serious, though almost amused expression. When things had settled, and Reyna and Kerri had succumbed to the Laws of Authority, Lord Vetinari asked the question all teenagers fear.  
  
"Where are you going, then?"  
  
"Secret project, sir," Reyna said. Vetinari rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, but we can't tell you. Very hush-hush."  
  
"Nothing containing chocolate for a week if you don't tell," Vimes threatened.  
  
"I don't know! Mercy!" Kerri cried. Being the more dramatic, she threw herself at her father's feet. "Please, all I ask is for a packet of CocoChips!" She ignored Reyna's cry of 'How on the Disc can you eat those nasty things?' and continued. "I really don't know! Reyna was taking me to see some guy she thinks is hot."  
  
"Reyna?" Vetinari asked, having a feeling this would have to end with some outrageous threat.  
  
"I don't like chocolate," Reyna replied. She caught the look on her father's face and realized that he would probably ban her from something more than chocolate if she did not cease with the attitude. "Unseen University, sir," she replied, finally giving in.  
  
"Unseen?" Commander Vimes asked. "An attractive wizard?" He gave his daughter an incredulous look.  
  
"Unseen?" Kerri asked, looking at her friend with nothing short of amazement. "You think a wizard is hot?"  
  
"Ponder Stibbons?" Vetinari asked, looking nothing short of amazed. "I really shouldn't say anything but have you no taste?"  
  
"Dad!" Reyna exclaimed. "You're a guy! That was very wrong."  
  
"Wait," the Commander said, trying to get his mind around an attractive wizard, and failing. "Ponder, isn't he the dorky one with the glasses?" Vetinari would have nodded, but he was looking out the window, making an attempt at not laughing.  
  
Reyna sighed in exasperation. "You are so very impossible, my father."  
  
"Yeah, and he's sort of known for it," Kerri pointed out. Reyna made a noise of frustration and stormed out of the room, followed by a cheerful Kerri. Very little made Kerri's day but a packet of CocoChips. Vimes watched them go, shrugged, and left, saying something curt but probably polite to the Patrician on the way out to dismiss himself. Vetinari nodded in acknowledgement, and burst out into hysterical laughter as soon as he was alone. 


End file.
